The Best Worst album covers of all time

Cajun Music Flasher
Oddly, this is what I believe this is an accurate depiction of what happens when you listen to Cajun music.

Chicken Mullet Guy
Mullet, malnourished, Confederate Flag...CLASS!
"Excuse me sir, are you Chicken of the Chesterfield Chickens? Would you happen to have any Grey Poupon?"

Cody Lazy Eye
This was taken while Cody was looking at your 14 year old sister as he takes a break from mowing your lawn.


Likely Freddie's friends were killed off in a self-inflicted rage after hearing him preview this album.

Gary Dee Crazy
This is the last time anyone saw Gary with all his teeth. As well as him on the outside of prison.

Handless Miracle
I'm sure it is a miracle and I will burn in hell for thinking this is funny.

Creepy Harry
"Hi Kids! Terry wants you to reach in his pocket for some candy!" 

John combs the high school
"I'm sorry they forgot your birthday Julie...but I'm your new Daddy now," John said after getting up some courage from a Pall Mall and a couple of Schlitz.

There will be no requests Ken
The only blank album ever pressed.

Jeeze Merrill
They've mistaken the fact that Merrill's face is stuck that way for him being happy.
Actually he's super pissed off. 

Check your hands Mike
And thank you Mike for the road rage incident this album cover will cause later today! 
You also better check your hands, the dove doesn't like you either.

Chain Mail in Glasgow
Is that chain mail? The only gay knight in Scotland....His head is still exposed so someone can get a sword on him.
And what was Vol. 1 like?

Orion the dead super hero
Reborn as the only super hero killed within 20 seconds of trying to intervene in a crime.
Even the victim wasn't upset to see Orion go down.

Roger or Sybil
Roger's facets from top left to bottom right: Insane, Ladies Man who will die a virgin, No I did not steal that six pack, It was my buddy who stole it, Whoops I dropped my gum, If we're done here I've just crapped myself and would like to go now. 

He wasn't broke before this album
This was taken several weeks after the album was released with the original title and cover.

You're the dummy
The "rapper" is the one on the left. Actually, no, it's you who has bought this album.

Lordy that's a big pig
As the album's title suggests, this photo was taken after. It's ok though, as they are in love. 

Satan has taken your soul guys
The proof Satan is real is that you two got to make an album. 

Gay Abba from Denmark
It's hard to believe this was ever in style.  It's what your mom would make if you asked her to make outfits for your band.
Admit it though, you'd wear this out one night.

Top 3 dumbest sex crimes

What has gone wrong in people's brains? Has this stuff been happening throughout time and we just happen to be the lucky reciepients due to mass communication? Recent news has just been over the top with this stuff. Below are the 3 I've found the most idiotic.

#3) MMM...Venison!
Wisconsin man convicted of sexually assaulting dead deer gets more jail time (read more >>)

 Venison Lover

What the...are you kidding me? What possibly could Bryan James Hathaway (above) have seen about this dead deer that made him think, "Damn, that's hot!" And why do dudes who do this kind of crap have 3 names?

#2) Baaaaaaa means "NO!"
Florida could pass bestiality law after rape of goat (read more >>)

Wow. All kinds of questions come to mind. Like "Florida doesn't have a bestiality law?" Ok not that surprising frankly. Another is really un-PC but here goes..."How do you know the goat was raped?" The guy could've wined and dined Meg (yes it was a PREGNANT pet goat...shudder), took her to a movie, you don't know! Of course they couldn't ask the goat, because after the sex, Meg was strangled to death. Hey, unlike venison boy at least Meg was alive for the sex...supposedly. Last question is "How did they catch him?" Well the suspect is in jail serving an 11-month+ sentence for attempted abduction of another goat. Perhaps he confessed? I sure hope to God no one caught him...

#1) Merging here!
Sioux Falls police arrested 60-year old Verle Peter Dills on Tuesday after he was caught performing an unnamed sex act in another resident's yard. (read more >>)

Note the three names again. The dude also had 2 YEARS worth of videos of him nailing traffic signs. TRAFFIC SIGNS! Note to self: If you are ever in Sioux Falls, do NOT touch the street poles. Hey at least venison boy and goat choker were doing it with...ok no. All of them are idiots.

Decapitation of snowman - endless fodder

This article got me thinking about probable "head" lines for the story. (booo hiss)

Specifically this part:

On his way home, the report said, Matthew Lankford drove through Sheldon's yard and ran over his Christmas decorations. It is rumored that a snowman was decapitated.

As usual, my friends helped with their suggestions as well.

"Decapitation is 'snow joke'"
"All he was looking for was a snow job"
"Area man gets cold reception in prison"
"Lankford has snowball's chance in hell in court on monday"
"With gunfire and violence, yuletide neighborhood scene is like 'snow man's land'"
"Snow man won't make it to summer"
"Frosty Killer to be arraigned"
"Snowman decapitated, local girl now terrified of carrots and coal."
"Angry resident ices snowman, neighbor"
 "Snow way you'll take me alive copper!"
"Snowman said to have been concious in the following minutes of his decapitation."
"Decapitation leaves residents wondering where driver was headed"
"Few answers in wake of Frosty's melting"
"Icicles to icicles, dust to dust for this snowman"
 "Police link puddle in alley to recent decapitation"

New side effects for drugs

A friend of mine and I were discussing his new medication today. We discovered some ugly new side effects, rarely talked about:

  • Avoid drinking coffee as this may cause you to stab your doctor the fnck in the throat with a pen and stomp the corpse
  • may cause painful, 10 hour purple erection
  • don't take with milk or cat food
  • patients may shit ribbons of silk and paper towels
  • Tell your doctor if you have any kidney pain as this may be a sign of serious problems. That's if there is no pen in her neck. Then tell your parole officer.
  • some experience gas with oily discharge from the pen wound in their necks
  • side affects include having everyone's face turn into Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
  • you will stop liking Korn and the Cure--this is normal
  • if you see bugs coming from your anus, double the dose, turn on Radiohead and drink profusely. Then pretend you are a rock star with the video game of your choice. In no way is this an endorsement in Guitar Hero, but that game is so cool.

The Pope in a Fire!

It's uncanny! Take a look at how close they are...


Although it seems like it also looks like other wavers I've seen...
Like Cal Ripken:


Or the Queen:


The Kool Aide Guy:


And mostly it looks like Miss Tall Chicago:

The ugliest animal in the world

5) the Mole Rat:

Rub it's nipples and it's teeth shake. Overstuffed sausage casing comes to mind.

4)The Almiqui

I would not swerve if this were in front of my car.

3)Big head Turkey Vulture

The Pink Flamingo's older, un-gay brother who did far too much meth at Ramone's concerts as a teen. Owns a bitchin Camaro tho.

2)The Russian Wheat Aphid

This is what the Turkey Vulture sees all over his arms when he tries to quit meth.

1) Joe Garagiola

Some species aren't meant to save. Sorry Joe, but I hope global warming ruins your habitat.

Dungeons and Dragons campaigns with TV sitcoms

Spells:
The Redd Foxx:  bonus +2 vs. Lamont
Use: "I cast the Big One"
DM: "Group grabs chest and screams "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you honey."

The George Jefferson: Bonus +8 against white neighbors but -2 vs. Wheezie

The Little Buddy Hat Slap: Bonus +5 vs. Gilligan
DM: "You were casting the Little Buddy but it's dispelled by Ginger's Lipstick"

Quotes we wish they said

 "You can f*ck a pumpkin in a cornfield if it's been warmed right, but don't expect your neighbors to invite you over for porridge after."
- Van Morrison

"Don't look up"
-Robin after Batman flew over head nude in Wonder Woman's invisible plane

 "ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc"
— Stephen Hawking's final words

"Kate Winslet is fat but I'd still hit that"
-Leonardo DiCaprio circa 1998

 "Desi would hit me, sure, but when he'd pass out drunk I'd put his car keys in his ass"
— Lucille Ball

 "I told the probie that I was off the coke for good this time. He bought it. Good thing too cuz my crabs were itching and I had to get the hell out of there."
- Lindsey Lohan via cell phone

 "Jabba was actually a good lover--patient, generous, and with a giant green knobby c*ck to boot."
— Princess Leah

 "Seriously Moses, can you just wait a couple more days before coming down. You're gonna ruin an excellent party with those tablets Major Buzzkill."
-golden idol guy

 "You wouldn't believe how many of those headcases I've stovepiped. Seriously. I've always said imbalanced teen girls are the best lays."
— Dr. Phil

 "She ate a whole chicken."
- Jamie Foxx after attending Oprah's Oscar reception

"I don't know. I guess sometimes you gotta roll the dice and go with what happens. What could I do? He's your brother--I couldn't tell him to stay home."
- Jesus, on Judas Iscariot to Herb Iscariot

Wow. Someone has to tell the Euros that Nightwish sucks.

Ok so I get this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-WPtVAAxUE

It's to a band called Nightwish's opening song at some Euro concert. Ok so I click the link and watch.

First thought: WTF is this? Seems like these people like it. Ah it's a band. Ok...

Next: Ah it's some kind of dramatic opening for a metal band's concert. Is that a keyboard? Oh jesus... is this some gay Euro metal?

THEN OUT COMES THE OPERA SINGER!

Well this could not suck more. I mean bag pipes would make this shit sound better. How deprived are those people in the audience? These guys are as heavy as styrofoam. First rule of metal? No Keyboards. Second rule?  Ok well it's not the second rule - it's more of a general rule of thumb - NO OPERA SINGERS!

Then I get link from ANOTHER person:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5SUSmedMm8

Ok so this one starts bad right away. But it shows all these young hotties crying to the song. Seriously. Crying to bad, gay Euro Opera Metal.

Who the hell is Nightwish and why am I being inundated by them all of the sudden?

They really need to be burned sacrificially so that Flavor Flav can have another crack at Bridget Nielsen's dried up husk.

UGH! Someone get me some old Black Sabbath stat!

More:

This is the graphic from a CD I'm guessing. I'm going to go left to right here on the cover art with my thoughts:
Drunk. I would punch you in the head, but you'll pass out soon anyway.

Don't you look at me like that. You remind me of an effeminate Errol Flynn that hasn't visited the youth camps in Thailand recently.

Why are you taking a picture of me? Did you know I sing opera in this band? Idiot Euros don't know any better.

I'm a skeleton with a bandana and skin.  Please kill me now and release me from this hell.

You vant my scahry face no? I look so scahry don't I? I am vering my buttless chaps. TOUCH MY BUM! TOUCH IT!

If you own this CD just look at it. It has some Indian with a spear standing there and doing nothing! Metal bands don't have covers with guys staring into space like "oh man I could really spear that fish if I wanted to." ARGH!

How hard is it to pick up the phone?

  So I get this email from a friend's mom forwarded to me today:

 Who is Barack Obama? 
 This is what scares me more than anything else about him... 
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 Probable U. S. presidential candidate, Barack Hussein Obama was born in 
 Honolulu, Hawaii, to Barack Hussein Obama, Sr., a black MUSLIM from 
 Nyangoma-Kogel, Kenya and Ann Dunham, a white ATHIEST from Wichita, 
 Kansas. Obama's parents met at the University of Hawaii..,. When Obama 
 was two years old, his parents divorced. His father returned to . 
 His mother then married Lolo Soetoro, a RADICAL Muslim from . 
 When Obama was 6 years old, the family relocated to . Obama 
 attended a MUSLIM school in . He also spent two years in a 
 Catholic school. 
 Obama takes great care to conceal the fact that he is a Muslim. He is 
 quick to point out that, "He was once a Muslim, but that he also attended 
 Catholic  school." 
 Obama's political handlers are attempting to make it appear that Obama's 
 introduction to Islam came via his father, and that this influence was 
 temporary at best. In reality, the senior Obama returned to soon after the 
 divorce, and never again had any direct influence over his son's 
 education. 
 Lolo Soetoro, the second husband of Obama's mother, Ann Dunham, 
 introduced his stepson to Islam. Obama was enrolled in a Wahabi school 
 in . 
 Wahabism is the RADICAL teaching that is followed by the Muslim 
 terrorists who are now waging Jihad against the western world. 
 Since it is politically expedient to be a CHRISTIAN when seeking Major 
 public office in the United States, Barack Hussein Obama has joined the 
 United Church of Christ in an attempt to downplay his Muslim background. 
 Let us all remain alert concerning Obama's expected presidential 
 candidacy. 
 The Muslims have said they plan on destroying the US from the inside 
 out, what better way to start than at the highest level - through the 
 President of  the United States, one of their own!!!! 
 ALSO, keep in mind that when he was sworn into office - he DID NOT use 
 the Holy Bible, but instead the Kuran (Their equivalent to our Bible, 
 but very different beliefs) 
 Please forward to everyone you know. Would you want this man leading our 
 country?......NOT ME!!! 
 
 William H. Shay 
  University - Procurement 
 (203) 432-4656 
Yale

So I called the phone number. Shock of friggin shocks, it's an unassigned number at Yale. However it gives the number for directory assistance at Yale, which is 203-432-4771, who I also called and no one named William H Shay works at Yale or has ever worked at Yale as far as the lady knew.

I'm not saying I support Obama, but how hard is it to Google something like this? In less than 20 seconds I found article after article saying this email was complete crap. And since I don't believe anything on the web anyway I called Yale. Seriously, how hard is it to pick up the phone? Long distance is free practically for everyone unless you still have a rotory phone and a black and white TV.
I guess it's easier just to believe any crap emailed to you than to actually think for yourself.